I the Person of My Own Being…

Okay. This is my first post online. I probably will be rambling on until I get the hang of this or get a groove in my writing. I currently prepare to finish my term at ShiDa University, in Taipei Taiwan. I hate the school and the classes but it's all very much for my good, I suppose. I am preparing to go live in China for the summer. You think that living in Taiwan would prepare me for such a venture, but I can sense the culture shock beginning. I am also dealing with the stress of going to see a friend I haven't seen in 13 years. It's so interesting with that because I am seeing that how things are "blocking" my way to going to see her, i.e. negative thinking and fear. And it's interesting, if you truly pay attention to your life you will see how lessons will show up for you in ways that don't occur to be lessons. For example, my friend and I have been saying we would meet up, but we didn’t. And now that a huge chapter in my life is closing and beginning a new stage, I am seeing how the power of your word has such significance. It is the only thing a person truly owns, yet we use it like it has no power. I have always wondered why some things happened and others don't. Given that I keep my word when it benefits me or when I think I'm in a safe position, I see how things work out. But when things would require for me to go beyond my boundaries and put myself on the line, I can see where I have created situations where they don't develop. For example, I could back out on this trip using the excuse that I don't have the money to spend. It's true that I am reassessing my finances, and do need to be wiser in my choices of spending. But I know that if I were to say “I don't have the money for this." I would have the same money to use for something else. So it has caused me to go deeper and question why I would limit myself in doing something that would give me such vast amounts of joy. One is that I have the internal conversation based upon the belief that not many people care about me. Another is, me being forced to face my fear of intimacy. In order to grow, I realize that I will have to challenge my fears, and remember that they aren't something that define who I am.