"I'M on top of the world/lookin down on creation/...."

So, it's a few hours before I go to Tibet. I am soooo stoked. I can't wait. I haven't been this excited about going on a trip in a long time. Which is a good thing because I haven't been excited about much since coming to Xian or life in general in a long time. Yesterday, I sent of packages to friends and family and basically went out to eat. I have been watching a lot of "sex and the city" episodes since they have all 6 seasons here.  Im in copy  heaven.  The funniest thing also to happen recently is that one of my roommates, got it on in the CCS apartments. Which is a big no=no.  CCS has a policy of no sexual intercourse while here. I don't know if that means with each other, with the locals, with animals or with yourself. But it was clarified as not to be had on the grounds of CCS. Now when I asked the questioned, oh did I get made out to be the bad guy, but hahaha, how many people have been hookin up. My arch nemesis, made a big stink out it when I did ask, and I told her that people are people and they will hook up.  At my age, I may have not seen it all, but I know not to be naive about people and their behaviors. Funny, and she was the first to hook up with someone. Irony for yah.  Anyway, what makes the CCS sex story so funny is that one of the housekeepers asked a friend of mine  if  a pair of undies found in the living room were hers. She said no, and passed it on to a likely source.   The other source was like "hell no those aren't mine". So, then we all put two and two together(cause one person had been MIA since the previous night.) .  I will say that this person has definently brought spice to end of the program.

 

I am looking forward to going back to Taiwan with great anticipation.  I look forward to seeing my classmates and friends, and spending time with foreigners who "get" what's it like to live overseas, and enjoy it. I also look forward to getting my fabulous apartment into shape. 

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do......

The last two days have been pretty strange and good at the same time. Yesterday, at my volunteer placement, one of my kids had a fit. He wouldn't stop screaming and pulling on my shirt. I guess he wanted me to swing with him but I didn't feel like it . Big mistake, he tried to bite me when I told him no. So, I left.  Working at my placement this week has taken a lot of effort because I sooo ready to get the fuck out of China.  Then last night, I actually got a good night's sleep because one roommate left(she coughed all night long), the roommate from hell is living in a hotel but keeps all her stuff in the room (an ego thing), and the other roommate is usually out partying. So, I had the place to myself and actually got to sleep fast.

Then this morning I woke up late so I had to cab it to work.  20 minutes late, I get there to play with the kids. The kid that bite me surprised me today. When I went up to him, I could see that he could recognize me. It was one of those moments. We played and he let me push him on the swing.

Now, there is one teacher at this place who is actually no good for this job because she lacks patience and I think she has a lot anger inside of her. I have seen her use excessive physical force on the children when they don't do what she wants them to do. Of course at first, I was afraid to do anything, and because of lack of communication skills, I couldn't say much. But the time worn on and I did step up to the plate. The first time we had it out, was when she kept telling one child to hit me and then she would hit the child with a wooden brush. She pushed the child in to the wall and hit her a couple of times.  I just stepped in and pulled them apart. The second time, I saw the woman about to dump a child on concrete because the child had pissed her off about something. I slammed the door open and she got the message. She told me that the child wouldn't stop crying. I told her that all children cry.  But today took the cake.

 

 As I'm pushing my child on the swing, I noticed that this child that the evil woman's friend is working with. The child had pissed all on the floor.  Kid had created a lake with a river going to another lake of piss. So, the woman lost her temper began to put the child in a chock hold and twist his arm to get him to stop crying. I watched to see and to make sure that she didn't go to far. Then the two of them made the child do wheelbarrow exercises as a form of punishment. The evil woman, standing over the shoulders of the child and pulling his shirt as he cried and screamed and resisted.  She would yank him off the ground, then step on his hand with the heel of her foot if he wouldn't walk. Finally in full frustration, she took his left arm and twisted against the joints.  I had enough, I went across the room, and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and pinned her down to the ground and put my knee in her back. Then I took her arm and twisted it. She must have been embarrassed because she was laughing, but when I twisted it hate she got the message and started saying "mei you, mei you". I guess meaning I wasn't doing anything. Then I let up and she did her crying routine that she always did when I said something.  All the time, was saying in English, "how do you like it?"  the whole place went dead with silence, and I left. Most of the teachers just looked floored. And I heard that the rest of the time was silent. That's a first. I didn't care cause I had had it. I went home and apologized to CCS, cause I do represent them on some level but I also explained that I couldn't deal with it any longer.  Another volunteer had been there with me, and had told them about her also, so I think on some level they had understood that this wasn't some random thing.

 

I don't necessarily care for how I did it. But I am smug and proud of myself at the same time. I am proud that I had the courage to stand up to her without fear.  And that I finally took a stand for something without caring about what others think of me. I am smug in the sense that I keep thinking about how I took the stand, kinda of feeling sense of power that had exerted power in a physical form over another human being.  But I also worry, because I am concerned that my actions added to her hatred and anger. And concerned that she may come to hate blacks and will past that anger on to her children and anyone else who she gets to believe.  Yet, I wish I could have gotten thru to her and got her to realize that she was responsible for the well being of some else's child and that that child deserved respect on some level. But then again, how the Chinese use discipline and view children is quite different than how Americans do. I can't disagree with their ideas, nor can I condone them.   Because how one raises a child is all subjective.   And since living overseas, I have learned that there is no "right" or "wrong" way of doing something. I am sure that give that what I just said and holding that up to my actions may seem contradictory, using violence to stop violence. Which also makes me wonder about myself, given that I had  exposure to enough violence in life. I am concerned that this is the only way that I know how to express myself in certain situations.  I do know myself well enough, altogether I do not want that to be my legacy, my source of power.

 

I struggle with my own anger issues, yet how do you take a stand in this day and age without having to use violence.  And to take a stand that makes an impact for the "better"?

THIRTEEN DAYS AND COUNTING....................

Why do some people bother to travel, if they will spend the entire time complaining about not being able to get a diet coke?  I have spent more time listening to complaining about the conditions that my fellow volunteers have had to live in and the food they have had to eat as oppose to them just taking a risk and trying something new.  All it has been exasperating, cause you can only listen to so much complaining.  I call it the five star syndrome. The signs of it are- incessive bitching at home about how bored one is, how everything outside of the country is exotic and a "rewarding adventure", then once they arrive they have this 5 star reality that nothing can live up to.  Reagan had to fix the cold war, cause if Russia  had actually beat us then we would kill ourselves because we really didn't get our mtv.
The program is getting on my last nerve. Its actually rough living with several other personalities, for short periods of time, in a strange situation. It doesn't get easier if everyone isn't on the same page in terms of purpose..In situation there has to be cohesion. It could come from a leader, or the activity itself. When there is absence of both, then to me it's a big black hole. 
China has been a big step for me also.  I feel that it's a place I would never be able to really come adjusted to if I had to live here for period of time. It's rough. It is a developing country. The driving is erratic, the people are friendly and noisy :).  I don't think that I could ever get used to people just staring at me as if I really did come from another planet. And the occational conversation about my physical being as if I weren't there. Sometimes they can be nice, and sometimes they can be very nasty. Really nasty.  The poverty is something that just jarrs me at times. Its difficult to see children pimped by their mothers for pennies. To look in their eyes and see any shred of self esteem, just ripped out of them.  The saddest incident I saw didn't involve a child, but a woman who was in her late 20s to mid 30s, who sat on the steps of McDonald, declaring to a large audience that she was no good as a person and as a wife because her husband left her.  
I have to say that all these experiences have just shown me how life occurs in different ways, different days, and always has the same them.  
I have been looking forward to going to Tibet. I am ;hoping to have some transformation, spiritually. I find it ironic, because in 2001, I tried to go to visit a friend who was working there but couldn't get it to work, now I am going. I am hoping to see something anew about myself, and to leave behind something old. That is one of the greatest things about traveling if you give into the adventure, you can be "born again'

Sometimes people will take you there......

This morning I began to have a conversation with two other women what constituted common sense and maturity.  They both were commenting on the lack of it seen in the group dynamic and exhibited by people.  At what age is someone considered mature enough to , lets say, travel overseas? That's a toss up as varied as what is a good age to  get married. I have encounter kids 19 that make me feel like I have some growing to do. And I have encountered 25 year olds who seem to never have really made it out of kinde. So, I am basically counting the days down until I leave the volunteer program I have been involved in.  I have lost all patience with being able to deal with the shit that has been thrown my way, along with just the program over all. The group that I am working with come in all different ages and places. But the mentality has been outrageous. What would define maturity? I have been dealing with a very asenine person lately. My roommate.  I don't think I have met anyone so annoying and persistent in being annoying. Yet, I don't even remember ever have meeting someone who can't get the ideal of respecting personal space in their head.  In the beginning, I wrote off a lot of her behavior as 1st week jitters. But as time wore on, I began to see that she has been raised by some of the most ignorant people alive.  She has asked me "Why all blacks like to eat fried Chicken" " why do we have such lazy work habits". I am not the only person that she has posed such questions to. I have heard her say Mexicans are dirty (funny-cause she's fuckin one right now)  and lazy.   That Arabs should not be trusted and be prayed for becaue they are creating havoc in the world right now(sic).  Calling me a bitch and writing it off as a joke.  Arrrghhh. Ah and her personal living habits are absolutely discussing. I swear that I have smelled a dead body under her bed. SO, having put up with enough shit, I have to told her to not to talk to me. Ahhh, but she has seen that as a way to continue to harass me.  I guess she figures that she can lord over me because of some of the ideas that have been placed in her head.   This is what the new age people call "a lesson".  The bible followers call it a "test"  What the police call a potential 187 in L.A. 
Is it judgment to assume that when you are traveling/living in another culture that you would leave behind some of your old ways and behaviors to adapt to the new climate? Or just allow yourself to expand because you are meeting people from different slices of the persective called life?  Some people are able to do it some aren't . But where do you cede? One of my biggest rackets is the fact that American society and mentality has lowered itself in the recently years. To be clear, I am not anti-American, and could find a shit load of stuff that's great about it but to tell the truth, what are we doing, saying, producing,creating, rearing, etc that makes us #1?  Are we being responsible for these things that really support what we believe or we so caught up in the hype of our own bs that we have become the emperor's new clothes in mental form?

Hello My name is Jennifer and I am a majong addict......(17.07)

What have I been doing since arriving in Xian, to volunteer? Well, the first month I was possessed by that discount demon, finding DVD's for $1. Some are copies and some are are good copies of the real deal so you can't tell. Also, expanding my CD colletion. I have seen some of the sights, but truth be told I'm not a tourist. More like a world shopper. Otherwise, I have been studying and playing Majong,which is very addictive once you figure out the oh-146 or so pieces. I have played with street bums, neighbors, and the other volunteers. The people I live with are interesting-for lake of a kinder word. Majority are American, and I have been racking my brain to figure out their quirks. What conclusion I have come to is that America is a nation of bullies. In the full force day and age of PC-dom, and "freedom" I notice that those are code words for "I don't like what you are/doing/being...so change it" In Asia, I have noticed a level of tolerance for others and consideration being placed on what would make someone else comfortable,happy, etc. But with Americans, the first thing to generally arise is how someone else's thing is interfering in their "whatever" and how it should be stopped. What ever happened to "maybe it's not for you but who are you to be the one to judge?" Did that get killed off in the Patriot act and post 9-11 era? Or during the anti-smoking witch hunt? I don't know but I sure wish Emily POst hadn't moved out of the country. Or was she burned by her antiquated thoughts?
Anyway, living in China is rather rough. One has to deal with daily comments of being a foreigner, and the stares. Oh the stares...Sometimes they are curious and sometimes they are if you have a tit on your forehead. Occationally, I will overhear a nasty comment about being black, and I am always mistaken for being an African. Which I have noticed that I have such a strong reaction to. I know it's because I am have a fear of being identified with a group of people who generally not most popular on the block. But it's a embedded issue not just stemming from wanting to be seen as someone "acceptable", but also what I believe the implications are of being associated with Africa mean to me. Once a man argued me down, saying that America has no blacks. That was a hoot and a holler. But generally I found the Chinese polite,too blunt at times,and funny. But I am counting down the time to when I get to return to Taiwan.

What a loooong strange trip it's been.....

I know I know ...If I start something I need to finish it. But if there was a way for me to combine shopping and being lazy and watching TV with achieving one's life goals, then I would be able to do it all... It's been about a month here in Xian and a lot has happened. The cliques began in the first week, and by the second week, the cat fights began. It’s happens when you put 7 women in a two bedroom apartment. The cliques have been interesting; with the young, good looking and highly intense thinking one’s secluding themselves and having deep conversations. Otherwise, this trip has been okay. Living in China is difficult in the manner that it is not a near a first world country, even thought the standard of living is quite good compared to what one would read in the newspapers. Their way of living, well I could live here all my life and never become accustomed to some things. For example, their driving. Like in the States they have stoplights, and street markings, but those seem to be irrelevant in China where the pursuit of getting somewhere is an art. People just make up the rules of the road as they go along. Let’s say you're in a taxi that needs to go right, rather than pulling aside and making a right turn, they would just turn right, even if you are in the left lane. Far left. No taxi driver will turn left in Xian, some crazy rule, but they will drive down the left side of the road to get ahead of a person in front of them. My work, at a mentally disadvantage day care, or as a call it the 'retard playground' has been fulfilling in the sense that I have been able to practice my Chinese. The teacher I worked with was very attentive and kind, especially when she figured out that I had figured out that she was gay. Can you file sexual harassment on a volunteer job? LOL!!! The traveling here has been less than stellar...Not much. I did go see Xian's claim to fame, the Terracotta warriors. As we drove out there, I noticed how many reproduction factories were along the road to the place. As we arrived, I began to wonder if the thing itself was a manufactured thing to increase tourism to Xian.(That’s also the running joke) The entire place was done nicely, just going around looking a pits with clay men and horses. The climax was at the mini market at the end of the road leading up to pits. It was hordes of people harking mini terracotta men, for cheap prices. More than once would you be dragged to their stand, hearing them explain they had a cheaper one and if you bought it, then you be better prepared to fight for your change. They had this habit of giving you the price you wanted but once they had your money, they decided to charge you the price they wanted. A couple of people in my group had to actually go in to the seller's pockets to get their money.
The most exciting thing for me is being able to create a DVD collection for under 500 dollars. I have been finding all kinds of American movies on bootleg, latest and older ones as well as a couple of TV shows. I’m on the hunt for the Soprano's forth season, since I can get it here for less than 12 dollars...Well, there's more to come since I have found an internet cafe.