This land is your land, this land is my land....

Ahhhh, it's that time of the year again. Where nature turns brown, and gold. The squirels all finalize their savings, and the elections begin. Truth be told, I am not remotely interested in voting this election. It's way beyond voting for the better of the two. A sham and a shaming device to divide the people on the real deal. Here's proof that this election sucks, and the politicians are desprate. P.Diddy and his "vote or die" campaign. Oprah in her current O mag, reminding me about my 'duty' as a woman and black person to remember the power of my vote as my voice. And so on...(rolliing eyes)
In 2000 , whether you voted for Bush or Gore, you saw the democratic system in process in Florida. No need for Micheal Moore to explain, you know your 8th grade goverment test information came back when you saw the Supreme Court place someone in office that hadn't been fully declared a winner by the voters. So, Bush won, and while I can't stand him, nor fault him. He's like that kid black parents always told their children not to taunt, he can't help the way he is, cause he was born that way. This election, he's looking pretty good compared to Kerry and his "If I were elected president " bullshit. Truth be told, niether one look good to me, but it's beyond the lesser of two evils, it's come down to who is really reliable with their bullshit.
I almost didn't vote this election. But given the fact that I am black, I am burdened with the history of Martin Luther King, and gang who fought for this luxcury. I wonder what he would say if he was around today. Would he still encourge me to vote for people who I know don't entice my intrest? Would he still encourge me to vote for people who don't inspire in me to see American values as I once knew them? Would he encourge me to vote for people who are not acessable or accountable to the public? Who knows, it's all speculation and really dwelling in the past.
All I know is that I almost didn't get to vote this election. While I felt guilty about it, right before my absentee ballot came, I gave up. I decided not to be guilted in to voting because I was African American, or a Woman, or 30 something person with depression and what everelse they use to reach people now. I began to see that voting really was about having a authentic choice. That the very foundation of voting was about being able to vote for some one who had ideals that were in common with mine, or at the very least, vote for someone who could take care of the business that I couldn't take care of day to day.
I don't think our politicians realize that. America has grown so expansive and so rich that it's not nessary to be in touch with the people. In fact, it's hard to know who's really out of touch- the people or the politicians. Each are accountable for what is created in America and if niehter is willing to be to be accountable then nothing can be done, or created. What is funny, is that when talking to my father about all of this election stuff, he told me that he couldn't wait until it was over. I laughed given that I had already exprienced another election this year, half way around the world. In Taiwan, I saw, the lowest one could go to get elected. I saw how dirty it could become, and how the people , again get caught up in other people's ego's. My father thinks it's bad over in America, try combining democracy with the compeling need for Prime Time drama, and see what you get.
I did get my absentee ballet and I will vote. I am hard pressed between writing in a candidate (Oprah) or making some design on the ballot. (suggestions anyone? maybe a nice middle finger?) I just hope that in the coming years, my vote works for me and not against me. I hope that whoever wins the 'Top prize' in the world, remembers that they are working for me, and that one day, I can, by law and ideal, come calling for an answer...........
(P.S. Click on the title for a very funny take on the U.S. election)

And I still have found what I am looking for.......

I have thought over and over about this week's blog. The mission of my blogs are to be something that inspire, call for action, and maybe comfort others who read it. They are also to give insight where I think others who know me can't get it. This week has been a building up to of pressure and change. I sense that change, a welcomed shift in my reality is approaching but it's been long and drawn out. In the last two weeks, I have noticed that I have been present to how indiviualized my life has been. I.E. Ideas surrounding why I was born into the life I was instead of the world I live in now, how my reality can drastically differ from the person I briefly encounter on the street. It's all been so astounding how so much life can occur and yet, maybe, we don't even know the half of it. All of this awareness and realization and observation has brought upon me increasingly confusion. Possibly fear that is unwanted.

Last Friday, I was invited by my teacher to accompanying her to her temple. I have studied Buddhism before in the past, seeking answers there for a way out. I never found what I was looking for. So, I took what I learned and intergrated it with my Catholism. I have found that it has broadened my relationship to the religion, making "God" less of a authorian ruler and more of a guide. But at times, I have felt that "he" as a guide has ignored me. While my teacher was showing me 'the ropes' of how to pray to Buddha,became so uncomfortable, because this year I had shunned all of this and turned to the Bible as the sole answer to my sufferings. As, I performed the required rituals to communicate with Buddha, I couldn't shake this feeling of betrayal. I saw that I actually believe that Buddha was a 'idol' as written in Old Testament. Yet, I didn't stop. The answer to my question(How do I bring love into my life-not romantic love, but general love) was to try and try again, that I currently have an opportunity but it will take time. One of the characters used to describe this was gou(3) for dog. How I ironic, because I have a dog, but it didn't particular pertain to having a dog. So, I left the temple, once again feeling empty-handded in dealing with my current troubles.

The same teacher also advised me to meet with a intuitive counselor who saw past lives. I made the appointment and saw him on Tuesday. He spoke of three different past lives that I had, all the characteristics of them,how the characteristics related to this present life, and what I was dealing with in this life time. I really didn't like this, and the whole while I thought to myself 'Why did I come to this again?' Of course, the counselor, emphasis with my feelings, saying that he knew where I was at because he had been there also. Which to me was like a kid on the playground tauting another kid about their lack. Then being on the fortune roll I was, during my language exchange I went to a Taiwanese physic in Snake Alley. This was the strangest of all my adventures in seeking paranomaral advice, because of how they did it. The woman, tapped loudly on a Bao-gua compass, 'asking' the gods for advice. It was more like she was sending Morse code to some one. And what makes it even funnier was that another person decided to join in, so there was two people furiously tapping away, seeking the god's answers for my two questions. I walked away with a piece of paper saying that I was 72% lucky, wouldn't get married until 38-40 because my career would have to be inplace(which would make me famous), and that I would have many suitors to choose from. The 6 years in between I would have boyfriends, just not marriage material. Oh well....

I left feeling incomplete and pissed off which has mounted within the last 48 hours.

I stopped seeking the advice of this so-called 'intuitive counselors' in 2003, because they haven't presented me with what I wanted to hear. Also, I felt that I have spent so much money on them and left with no greater insight that would empower me to break thru the current difficulties I have. I always left with feeling that it was never enough. In a way, I feel that they are shysters and incable of truly knowing the 'truth', but then again, it could be have never told me what I wanted to really hear. So, now I am in the mist of frustration piled on top of the other frustrations that I already had.

I don't know what it will take for one's present status to change. Maybe we are destined to live certain lives within certain forms of feelings and never getting beyond them. For me, it's always been living a life that has had a lot of misunderstanding in it, anger directed toward me and failure. I look at people like Oprah,Ghandi, and others who have had difficult beginnings but eventually found their purpose, their 'place' and became successful. I always believed that I was like them, but from this weeks current advice, I am not destined for fame. While that pissed me off, I found myself actually more confused and lost than I have ever been. The final straw being that I had switch out of my current class, because my teacher 'feels that she can't help me'. (My situation at Taiwan Normal University has been a very frustrating one, so much so that I would have to rant on it in a whole other blog post).

I still believe in a God. I still pray, but I do wonder if this 'god' hears me, or whether I am doing enough for him to hear me. My current frustration with learing Chinese has pulled to the forefront the depths of how lost I feel in life, making me question how much long should I endure this. Which frustrates me deeper, because there is one person in my life who's reality of my life, proves to them that their fears of my choices are right. I feel hurt, and scared and alone. BVery much alone, with noone to relate to and no one to just speak to of my troubles of being human.

All in all I have no answer that empowers me. Yet, the irony of all this is, before the current term began, I prayed and prayed that I would have a successful term with my learning. The irony? I haven't been able to grasp any of the new grammar I have been learning and I had so much difficulty with the teacher. It seems like the joke was on me.

The intuitive counselor advised me to seek out nature and to feel. What I am feeling is lost and most important "what was the purpose of me coming to Taiwan?" It was not that I even wanted to come here from the very beginning. In fact, I resisted coming but came with the idea in mind that I was following 'God's lead". Maybe this purpose will reveal itself in years to come, but given that I am so tired of failing and living a life where people can't access my heart therefore I can't be loved by them and they can't feel the love I have for them.................

Say it loud "I'm Black and I'm Proud" :Race and the City

When buying a pair of sweatpants, the owner gave me a bag with unsavory image of the store's logo on it. It was of savage person, large lips and dressed like the cannibal images of yore that were used to depict mythical Africans long ago. When I declined to use it, only did the man realize the impact of the bag had on me. He offered up a quick apology, one that had no real meaning, and I left. I questioned my morals that whole day. Wondering should have I gotten my money back. Did the owner, think nothing of my feelings because I already given him my money? Like Ralph Ellison's character in "Invisible Man.", as I have moved more into adulthood I have had to deal with my own naive faith while fluctuating between disenchantment and stone cold reality.

Since being in Asia, I have notice that my self esteem has risen because I am treated as a person more often than not, and not as a skin color. In Japan, I noticed this when I came home on visits. Things that would be racists in nature or just ‘business as usual’ would not upset me. I could blow it off because I now knew how it felt to be treated with respect. But it was inevitable that I would encounter some familiar themes in race relations during my time in Japan. Ironically, I always experienced them when dealing with Japanese who 1) had spent time in a Western country or 2) had a lot of white western friends. I could be lax in my anger when dealing with the attitude I encountered, dismissing it as ignorance or whatever. Where I was less forgiving was the racism I encountered from my peers. It would dig deep under my skin that even thought it was proven, de facto of my being there with them, that I was not what who ever told them what about blacks. This would cause me to have occasional bouts of self doubt because I wonder if I was more concerned with being accepted rather than me dealing with authentic racism.

This week I have been dealing with more racism than I have care to or have been aware of. Beginning with being told by a man, that I wasn't’t attractive because I was born with black skin.(He should take that one up with God, since I have no control over that. Nor the money to change it) to the images I see in stores, and the unspoken stuff that is in the conversations between myself and someone who’s Taiwanese. In the old days, having dark skin marked you as a person who worked outdoors, therefore marked you as lower class. This still holds true today, as old beliefs die hard. You will see ladies who work in the streets, bundled in clothing to protect them from the sun, even on the hottest days in Taiwan. Skin whiting products are everywhere in stores and on TV some model with near ivory skin is the epitome of beauty. Suddenly my rage has come to surface, and I find myself snapping at everyone, and very suspicious of every Taiwanese I encounter. Old wounds have been reopened and I'm feeling a "cussin out" coming on. But before I go that route, I asked my language exchange partner for some insight.

To ask for insight on why the Taiwanese have racist beliefs(or any face-losing subject) is akin to talking about that big pink ass elephant in the middle of the living room. After much prodding, he finally gave me the answer I was either looking for or something to shut me up. He told me that most of the Taiwanese take their cue from the West, particularly American culture. Alas, as far as I go, I seem not to be able to remove my grasp from it’s racial tentacles, yet it undeniable. I see it when I go to the night clubs, where Taiwanese boys dress like 50 cent, Snoop Dogg, etc and give me a nod and shake my hand like I'm a brother meeting another brother from da hood. I see it in their newspapers, in the sport section where the cartoon icons for the articles, have big lips, afros, dark skin-updated versions of sambo. Or recently in the news where an African was divorced from his Taiwanese wife after 2 years because 'he was verbally abusing her'. Be that as it may, whether he was or not, having such an mundane activity in the news was their way to send a message to other Taiwanese girls about the dangers of being involved with blacks.

http://forumosa.com/Taiwan/viewtopic.php?t=22745&start=15&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

When I lived in Kaoshiung, I would occasionally watch MTV and noticed how much rap and hip hop was being played here. At first I was impressed, but then seeing how the TW interpreted that culture it began to wear on me and piss me off. I wanted to strangle someone and it wasn't the TW. It was more like Puffy Daddy and clan because I could see the impact of the portrayals of blacks in these videos were having on blacks in the real world. For a race of people who don’t have vast amount of experience with dealing with blacks, they will take whatever is given to them. So, image having to deal their own beliefs combined with western beliefs via movies,videos or politics grounding itself deeper with time. I think I would fare better at a blue blood, old money republican family reunion than here sometimes. I realized that it is our responsibility as to how we are represented in the world. I can do my best to present another side of the coin, but I feel it's a two steps forward and 10 steps back when you add in majority thought to the equation.

Blacks aren't the only ones being singled out for this treatment. Ask any foreigner here, and they can tell you their own experience. Fact is Taiwan is an incredibly race/color conscious society. They even differentiate very distinctly between people of similar ethnic origin (sic). Yet, they are very resistant to acknowledging this reality. They find it okay to use stereotypical icons and ideals to represent foreigners or foreign ideas as if to supplement their low esteem or to sell their products. Problem is they can't take it when it's dished out to them. Point in case. Last Friday, I saw "Dodgeball" with a friend. The movie humorously and visually explains that dodgeball is an ancient game invented by the Chinese(who came up with idea while doing opium. The idea was to use decapitated heads as the ball. The entire theater was silent, expect for myself, my friend and a few other people(probably foreigners) who found this hilarious. Why couldn't they have a good laugh at themselves I wondered? Maybe its because they could be so wrapped up in the belief that 'they' aren't the outsiders, that it's hard to see their own behavior mirrored back to them. I have yet to hear of any complaints about that part.

So, since I'm here for the meanwhile, how does one navigate thru it all and maintain their sanity? I guess I could do as my friend choose to do, last night while walking on the street, when we spotted in a cell phone store window, a pair of stereotypical tribal African figurines-don't give it much thought. Or better, learn the rules of engagement.

Ms, What is the purpose of your visit?

"Got to step on faith…./I found strength courage and wisdom/It’s been inside of me along/…I know if I open up my heart/I know that anything I want can be" India Arie- Strength, Courage,& Wisdom.

I know that a week doesn't go by without me wondering what my purpose is. I fluctuate between wondering do I even have a purpose, or do I have any purpose for this world to I know I want a purpose that is on a very grand scale in this world. I have been praying a lot for my purpose and I haven't had any insight. What made me think about this again, was the death of Christopher Reeves.

I always get weepy when an actor dies. I guess I'm a sentimental fool and there's that part of me that always wanted to become an actor. Anyway, reading an article about him was intriguing. One person had described him as "the most intense person he had ever met"(sic) All of this intensity, apparently, manifested itself after his accident. Although he had attempted suicide, he came to realize that he had to face the fear in his heart in order to live for the purpose of his children's wellbeing. Out of that came his heroic fight for those who had spinal cord injuries. Now, at first, I thought this was a hokey attempt at staying in the limelight. Why all of sudden was he being so vocal about a cause, I'm sure he wasn't very aware of before? But he seemed to make it more about others rather than himself, which I guess qualifies as purpose. Nevertheless, when he passed on I wonder if he felt he had found his purpose in life and made the most of it.

Half way around the world, in Japan, 7 young people die in the largest suicide pact. I lived in Japan, so this isn't very out of the ordinary for me. But what caught my attention, was what a professor said.

Shinji Shimizu, professor at Nara Women's University, said group suicides could be on the rise because young Japanese are not exposed to death as much as in previous generations as fewer relatives die around them.
"Young people today don't have a sense of reality about death," Shimizu said. "They are approaching it as an extension of a game in cyberworld." Yahoo News 10-12-04

Because young Japanese aren't exposed to death as much as in previous generations? What kind of crap is that? Just because grandma and grandpa aren't dying in their 60's, doesn't mean that these kids can't understand the concept of death I can agree with the fact that they are heavily influenced by violent video games, and trying to escape the bullying or abusive family members but I hardly think that being exposed to death will prevent a suicide. Maybe what Shimizu meant was that these kids don't have personal exprience with the impact that death has. To see it happening on the news to someone else or to hear about the nieghbor's cousin mother dying isn't personal so the degree of impact is remote. I know that my own attempt was due to the fact that I felt, at that time, I had no place of importance/purpose in anyone's life. Or that my life didn't have an 'important' purpose. As I see so many kids, in the 24 hour internet cafes, playing for hours, I reflect that with all of our advancements, we are moving further and further apart from each other.

I am asked a lot why I am studying Chinese. In 1996, I had the opportunity to make a dream come true. I was hired to work on a Hong Kong production for a film. The irony was that a year before all that I had comforted myself by watching lots of Midnight Madness showings of Hong Kong film, after the death of my mother. Secretly, while watching these movies, I wished that I could work on one. Lo and behold, I got my wish. After that experience, and subsequently my first trip outside the US, I was changed and thought that I had found my purpose. I moved to Japan, because was the closest way to getting to Hong Kong that I could think of. I figured just being in the region, serendipity would come into play, and poof I have my dream job-working in Hong Kong on a film. Time passed and the Hong Kong via Japan thing didn't work out. Home for two years, and bam I'm back in Taiwan. I hadn't given up on the dream, just tucked it away, because it seemed to be out of reach, and that was giving me grief. Once back in Taiwan, I figured I dust of the dream, and pursue Chinese. I would need that to have advantage. Things, didn't’t work out exactly like I had planned and I was back in Chicago after 10 months. I would have given up on everything if I hadn't met a women, who didn't mind speaking to me in Chinese, which showed me that I may have some potential. I enrolled in an intensive course, and in 5 months, I came back to Taiwan, to be a student full time.

During this time, every inevitable conversation I had would always touch upon, that question-"Why are you studying Chinese?" I would always cringe, because I didn't want to tell my real reason, fear that I would be laughed at behind my back for having such a grandiose goal. But I also, didn't’t know authentically. I always felt that most of this journey to Taiwan, was more of God's plan than mine, due to how it all came together. So that's been my recent answer " God brought me here". I have given up on the Hong Kong dream.

In Taiwan, and I would dare say most Asian countries, your purpose is your job. When people ask what your job is, then that's what you've wanted to do for your life. . I have always resisted that on some level. I rather pursue my dreams, than be employed helping someone build theirs. I'm always asked by the Taiwanese, what is my reason for being here and why do I want to learn Chinese? What is my purpose after my studies? All of it makes me wanna scream, because I don't have the answers, and sometimes I wish I could just say "I don't know" without getting some strange ass look Yet, I feel so lost when I just say I'm a student. I feel as though that with end of the year approaching I will have nothing to show for it. During my time, I have volunteered, in hopes that it would pull me toward my purpose, and create some meaning for my life. That didn't get me closer. I don't know what will put me on track with my life's purpose.

It seems to be that purpose is intertwined with those around you. Whether it's your family or friends or just those who need a voice, it's all connected. I do leave it in the hands of God and hope that it comes at the right time, in the right way for me to recognize it and I hope that when it comes, it allows me to move mountains, connects deeply to people and that my life is my purpose and my purpose is my life.

The Taiwanese version of the Serenity Prayer

I have days in Taiwan, where I think I can’t adapt any longer. So, here is my serenity prayer for Taiwan….

God, grant me the serenity to accept the following things about the Taiwanese:

1) their need to make right hand turns from the far left lane at the last minute
2) their need to speed
3) taxi drivers who stop immediately in front of you
4) people who make turns without signaling
5) people who stroll(like it's sunday afternoon) down the sidewalk side by side.
6) The grandma on the train who wont stop staring
7) The kids who think I don’t understand when they hit their friend to make them see me and say ’eh there’s a foreigner’
8) Being asked if my dog understands English.
9) Being hit in the head with umbrellas on covered sidewalks
10) Need to cut in front of you, or not wait in line
11) The insight to figure out where what I want is sold…
12) Betel nut spitters
13) Greasy food.
14) Lying to your face to save their face(or arse)
15) Thinking it all right to touch your hair when you aren’t looking
16) Being told that they can’t understand you for the 5th time, even when you point to it…
17) The thought process behind their laws
18) Watching you eat a hamburger
19) Coming over to where you are in a place to stare at while you conduct business…
20) And discussing it within earshot….
21)People who drift back and forth when walking on the sidewalk....

To accept that’s not America
To have the courage to keep going
To be mindful that I choose to come here
And the wisdom to know when it's time to go home..... (or on vacation)

JAMES 3:2-9

Before I came back overseas, I was resigned to the fact that I would never do it again because of the difficulties I had encountered in Japan. Primarily the communication factor was the biggest problem for me. There is something to be said about the experience of being an adult living in a country where the language isn’t your native tongue. The inability to express yourself, your needs, wants and desires in a comprehensible manner. Forget the PhD or master’s degree you have in your homeland, for get that you have read “War and Peace” cover to cover, twice and could digress on the subject matter. When you don’t know the language, sometimes, you are just, well, screwed.
During the years, between Japan and Taiwan, I moved back home, to Chicago and a few months later, a friend suggested that I check out a course offered by a company called Landmark. Their courses deal with enabling people to see where they are ‘stuck’ in their lives, therefore creating an opportunity for a breakthrough and for that person essentially to get back into the game. One of the courses they offer is on communication. So I signed up for the two day course and waited for a personal transformation.
The idea behind this course in transformation is that we all use communication in some form that isn’t authentic. We use it to be right, to dominate, control, to defend, serve our own purposes, to blame, make others wrong, etc. The day before this course it seemed as if it was already in session. I was having a lot of problems just getting simple things communicated. It last straw was when I walked into a $1 store near my house, to pick up a couple of things. I had purchased a drape rod at Target, and as I entered the store I noticed the store also carried them. So, I checked the price and then moved on to get my purchases. As I checked out, the owner, a Palestinian, was at the register and asked to see my bags with the rod. Of course, I became indignant and defensive because the first thing that went thru my mind was “this man thinks because I’m black, I’m stealing”. Reluctantly, I allowed the man to check my bag, but along with that was a lot of attitude at the end of my purchase.
At home, I began to think about the incident and was slightly embarrassed. I had been not only curt, but racist in my words. And all I could think was that my mother hadn’t raised me that way.
The course began on Saturday finished on Sunday, and then coming back on a Thursday to share our breakthroughs or insights about our newly attainted skills. Monday was a breeze for me. Tuesday was September 11. As I rode the bus home in shock with everyone else, my thoughts went over all that went wrong and how did communication play a role in all this madness. As I arrived at home, I went to that dollar store and apologized to the owner for my behavior. We just acknowledged each other’s humanity in that moment, absent of blame. It was very humbling moment for me.
Back to living in Taiwan, since I am studying the language, my ability to navigate my way thru it all is much better than the first time. But it still is rough at times, especially in those moments when you require that the other person acknowledges what you are trying to get across. I have had so many situations of trying to do something as simple as order food, only to be pushed aside or had to wait extra time because I couldn’t express myself. Or the person went into “oh god its a foreigner” mode or trying to discuss something important with your boss, the office ladies, only to have it messed up and they say ‘it was a miscommunication’ (you’ll hear that a lot here in Taiwan, especially when they don’t want to do something for you) Or the conversation you over hear about you, discussed by two Taiwanese in the elevator. You name it and I guarantee that a foreigner has one good/sad story about trying to communicate. Then there are those time where you have that need to communicate with someone who ‘just gets you’ for that sense of being connected, the rhythm and vibe of a good conversation. Today I had lunch with a friend. He and I talked about his new adventures in gaining a master’s degree in Taiwan. In those moments, I became so present to how comforting communicating can be, and how it can uplift the soul and make you see possibility where it wasn’t before. This is how the experience of living overseas can enhance you. The things you took before for granted seemed to be the things you sometimes need the most, to make it thru this journey.
One of the things I miss the most while living over here is sharing my day. There is a wonderful feeling that comes from sharing part of yourself, and someone willing to listen. I have encountered more people than I care for who love to toot their own horn all in the pretense of sharing, but when it comes to sharing yourself, they seem to turn off the value meter in their head.
When I taught English, my students and I would have conversations about intercultural/interracial marriages. They all believe that they couldn’t work because there was cultural and communication barriers that were too difficult to overcome. But it seems that even when you marry someone from your own culture, race, creed, religion those communication problems are still lurking around the corner. In learning another language I realize that not everything can be translated directly. Therefore, when I need to express myself in detail, I find that I have to see the point of view of the person to whom I am communicating. I have to think about how they express themselves in their language, and sometimes all the right words in the right order come out. Just think how fast we could evolve, if we actually knew the other point of view……….

Another one bites the dust......

(originally posted 10/5)

I have reached a moment where things seem to be on the upswing. I have been out the last few weekends. I have met some interesting people. And I even took the incentive to be apart of the equation in cultivating a new friendship. All this activity has pulled me out of a space, which I feel was part self-imposed exile and one very long pity party. So, why is it that all of this seems so temporal to me? I am, again, at the crossroads of ‘is this friendship gonna really be for real?’
I admit I sometimes lack people skills that probably would endear me in the hearts of many. While I am a kindhearted, warm, and a generous person, I will admit that my oversight on my people skills usually leaves me without that endearment that I am seeking. Case in point, my current new friendship with my internet buddy has bitten the dust. In my mind, at least. I have begun to encounter traits with her that are pushing my buttons, traits that I feel, too early in the relationship to call her on. Now, I am rather blunt and also with age, have cultivated the ability to gracefully point out behaviors that I don’t care for. But generally I feel that is best reserved for times, when one’s personal space is actually being infringed upon. But when do you point out quirks that could eventually cause a breakdown or better yet, how do you accept the quirks with out losing yourself.
Countless women say they have been involved with a man, whom otherwise they would have thought twice, and lost themselves in the relationship and given over their personal power. It’s a topic that’s been heavily discussed since Betty Freidan came on the scene. But where is the conversation about losing one’s self in a relationship that is non sexual? Why is it that when friends, who have quirks that would send us to the therapy couch with a man, become something that we have to accept? The last friendship that I had was 13 years old. We met in college and continued to keep in contact when we moved on after our first year in college. When we decided to see each other 13 years later, the two of us had drastically changed. One had a baby and the other one was out in the world. After a couple of days, I began to see things for what they were with my friend. Somewhere in the course of our relationship I had lost my personal power. I wasn’t receiving the love, respect or support that I had hoped to receive but all that time I had continued to be the one who called, and keep the lines of communication strong. I began to review the past, searching for that time where I had a thought that led me to begin to give up my power. I suspect it was early on in the relationship, when I gave a Christmas gift, and she did not reciprocate. Which is the pattern in a lot of my relationships, I am generous early on in the relationship, but often feel overlooked by the other party when I feel its time for my due. . When I broached the subject with my friend, she told me that I have too high an expectation for people. I suspect that it’s do to the fact that I don’t feel I have a voice, the ability to ask for what I want. Also, maybe I choose people who will not reciprocate because I believe that I am not worthy/deserving of love being returned to me.
I think I am in search of that perfect Hallmark relationship. No, the International Coffee House one. You know, you sit around with each other, sharing your heart and inner self. You are important to them as they are to you. This is a relationship that is a sisterhood of some sort. It’s got a rhythm, a vibe, an energy that uplifts and excites you. I often see it here in Asia. Where friendships, the life ones, are made during high school and college and kept for life. Friendships made during those times, are given rather a great deal of importance or consideration. Often, you can see women walking hand and hand or arm in arm with their friends. The look of happiness on their face could be summed up as due to the bond of sharing and knowing each other.
It’s been rather difficult forming that type of relationship with people overseas. Everything is so temporary, just like life. So, it’s not that you can’t get close to a person; it’s just the bond that you make may last or not last because of the evitable-distance. Then there are the people that make question how in your right mind you spent time with this person. And on the other hand, it’s a great lesson in practice if you follow Buddhism. The upside to all this is that you do meet a lot of wonderful and sometimes colorful people that you would never encounter at home, because of the manner in which you socialize. And because living in a foreign culture can be very isolating at times, this is generally one of the views you alter. Now, this isn’t true all the time, because there are plenty of foreigners that only hang out with other foreigners that they would at home. So, it’s possible to continue having the social life one had at home, just with an Asian backdrop. .I can say that having met so many people from different parts of the world, and having the pleasure of having getting to know them, its enabled me to see beyond the form, directly to the spirit.
New Agers say that you attract relationships to you that support certain beliefs that you have. I already said that I possibly have the sense of lack of deserving, so therefore, these relationships/friendships that I have, including a current one with it’s little ticks, maybe are teaching me a lesson. One involving self love, worth, and reclaiming my personal power. Or it could be reflecting to me that I do have to high an expectation of people, and need to see that if someone falls short of it, that I am not at risk of losing anything.
My father many times told me that if you have one good friend that’s all you need. I’m not interested in having one good friend. There are too many interesting people out in the world that I want to be apart of my life. And my heart is too big to be so small….

SO YOU WANTED TO SEE THE WIZARD?!!!

So I went to the Jay concert tonight. Jay is this huge musical phenomenon in Asia, that I can’t exactly wrap my brain around, like most of the music and stars here. So the story goes, that Jay had lonely childhood, and spent a lot of time at his piano, fast forward to him being discovered, his first album shot to the top of the charts, he composes most of his music, and he is the king of the music award ceremonies for the last 2 years. The press calls him "Chairman Jay" or "Mumbles"because the lack of clarity when listening to his songs. Now, it should be noted that I joined in this worship love fest of Jay, because one, I do on some level can enjoy and tolerate(heavy emphasis) his music, and two, I needed to see what the hype was all about. (Man, if I could get people to think like the latter AND get them to pay, I’d be rich.) And three, in a land where most music is over produced and has enough sugar in it to cause an onset of a hypochondriac case of diabetes, its worthwhile to take in the culture at least thru something that current.Most music in Asia is,like I said, overproduced and created to reap the benefits of pockets of students. It seem that every year, the market is flooded with the newest, cutest boy band, girl band, solo male/female singer, singing about the same thing that the last year’s ‘new’ was. The melody and lyrics seem to be the only thing that is adjusted for buyers’ tastes. While in America, music has definitely been shot to hell, due to the oversaturated talentless market and the lazy as all hell asres that control the industry, is also guilty of churning out boy/girl bands, who also sing about the same thing as last year, this takes on more of an irritating tone, because of the illusion(s) they are creating.The illusion they continue to create is one of love overcomes all and that two’s are better than one. Products are sold here with some form of reference of love in them. McDonald’s has a new hamburger-show to students (boy and a girl of course) staring in to each other’s eyes, enjoying it. A SUV? Show the 4 person family in a loving situation. Alcohol? A group of people-equal amounts of men and women, enjoying each other’s company. And it goes on and on. In America, we can be guilty of shoving consumership down people’s throats via sex and idea’s of “you are better/beautiful/popular, etc” if you buy this. Here, all this illusion of love that can be found even in a tampon can be sickening.As I sat in this great restaurant-Chiang- with my internet friend, and her new boyfriend, I looked around at the people around me and thinking about the concert, I suddenly began to feel aware that I was a fraud of some sort. Or at least in possession of the belief. This only occurs when I am enjoying myself, or in relationships I have. I seem to have my own illusions, guilty as everyone, about who I am. These illusions are really there to keep people out, out of fear that they ‘may’ discover something about me and run for the hills. Or they will be come ‘angry’ or ‘disappointed’ with me and withdraw themselves/their love from me. Before this moment, it never occurred to me that I felt or perceived myself as a fraud. Yes, scared. Yes, full of fear of something, that I thought I had grasped along the way, but never this. And it’s a bit ironic that I would have this realization. For I can see patterns, and incidents unfold in my life that would support this illusion. My need to have long hair, so that I am lovable, i.e. using various methods of wearing false hair. My need to have nice things, so that somehow, I will be perceived in an acceptable manner. My need to have an immediate gratification with/for some things because if I have it then I will be that person everyone wants to have as a friend. And on and on it goes. Like the Tin man, the Scarecrow and the Lion, I feel as if my heart, mind and courage isn't enough for me to share with people. Or that it’s enough for them to be happy with.Being that I am my biggest critic and hardest judge, I feel as thou it may be time to lay down this ‘truth’. Some of it’s been exposed to the light of reality, some of it being that it’s no longer useful of a belief to continue having. When the gig, life, is up I hope that I came to realize my own authenticity or at least all the mental hype I so strongly believed about myself was worth what I paid for in my dues on this earth.

Fly me to the moon/let me see beyond the stars...

This week was the Mid autumn festival in Taiwan, which is similar to July 4th. Basically, this festival remembers a woman married to notorious king. To hinder his power, which was in this long life potion, she drank the potion and fled to the moon, where she lives today. Now in this day and age, people litter the sidewalks, with mini bbq grills and add to already massive amount of smog in Taipei. My language exchange partner invited me to his families’ bbq, which I reluctantly took because I figured that it would give me some experience of Taiwanese family, as well as a topic to talk about, besides my ever present depression.
In my experiences of teaching English in Japan and Taiwan, the inevitable conversation about family came up. In Japan, it was a part of the curriculum, so we would discuss family on basic levels. If the class level was higher, my students would share with me their relationships. I had students share with me from the mundane to the surprising that their husbands actually had second families somewhere. Shocking given that I believed in a first rate country like Japan, such practices would be outdated. But tradition is a strong hold their, and tradition rules the family more.
In Taiwan, my students were more forthcoming about their families. One student that still stands out in my thoughts, shared with me how his family was constantly negative toward each other, and finding fault. It baffled him that he could never be at peace with his father, and how all of them argued so much about nothing. I lauded him on his honesty (as well as identified), because it’s not apart of the culture in Asia, to be authentic about one’s family, because family is a priority as well, as the core of who you are. It is says a lot about who you are, your worth, as well as your character. My students were naive and adamant that western families were much different from Asian families. One hand they are right.
In America, I feel that the emphasis on family takes on many different truths because of our dynamic culture. African Americans families are impacted by our history of Slavery. Families were systematicly divided by masters, who viewed these humans as properity. With time, the ties that bound them were never considered because of the emotional toil and when slavery ended it didn’t mean that Chicken George and friends rode off into the sunset. More likely, the patterns of control used by the masters were passed down thru the ages because how effective they were. It evident that why the black family is suffering today, not only because of current situations, but also as result that our inheritance to our children are the subconscious beliefs that remain from times of slavery. Not all African Americans, are passing on that legacy, many have found the path to create love and harmony among each other, i.e. evident in the summer family reunions.
White families are defined by several factors such as, education, history (family and culture) and region. In fact, I can’t even comment on an authentic ‘white’ family because I realize that all my ‘views’ are colored by hours of watching TV families. Illiusions created the belief in me that my family wasn’t authentic enough, or like the catch phase of the 80’s-they were dysfunctional.
Family is dear to me, and I have always longed for a big family, that had summer reunions and bonds that were deeper than blood. Reality is that my family is divided by misconceptions, wounds from past hurts, and being resigned to archic beliefs. We don’t talk, we don’t acknowledge each others gifts, and we don’t find time to say hello, forwarded emails, replace the easies method of saying ‘you’re on my in mind’. Most of my information about my relatives has come thru the grapevine-my aunt, who always laments how divided we are. But as she shakes her head, I wonder that why, she a respected elder, doesn’t reach out and close the rift. I don’t know what it will take to have my family bond, yet maybe the dissolving of it isn’t too bad an idea if we too reluctant or too shortsighted to see ourselves becoming anything else.
My partner’s family is unique in the sense, they all live with a block of each other. The patriarch wanted it that way so that everyone could take care of each other. It seems that at the bbq, they all were catching up with each other’s lives and enjoying each other’s company. And in Asia, this isn’t so uncommon, that the welfare of your family comes before yours. This seems to create an endless circular system of support, because someone is always looking out for you. But that’s also ironic when compared to the high amounts of suicides they have here. Is the influence of western values to blame? Or maybe that family is becoming too stifling as we become an advanced in our abilities to see beyond our boundaries, even familial ones. I’m enchanted by the idea that your family lives close to each other have a close bond. While it may infringe upon personal space, there is that sense of support and belonging that I feel is their that I long for in my life. My partner’s grandfather’s request showed me that it may take two humans to create a family; it only takes one to make it.