What a fuckin day!!!! Jesh

So, after having been to BED, I came home to a hell. In an attempt to make my house cozy and nice, I had bought a plant and a new vase. I came home to several magazines ripped apart, a broken vase, an eaten plant, and piss everywhere. As I surveyed the damage, my dog, who apparently wasn't to happy that I wasn't in my bed, decided to piss again, front of me. ARRRGHHHH. I nearly committed murder. I put him out, cleaned the house and tried to sleep. No good. So, a couple of strong glasses of Johnny Walker and a late night conversation, with a potential suitor, I finanlly got to sleep. But I missed my morning group class and got up in time to walk Chocky.
As we walked around, him taking forever to find a dump spot, I,still in a drunken stage, daydreaming, dropped my keys on the ground. Now, while that isn't unusual, what makes it is where I dropped it.
The sidewalks, if you can call them that in Taipei, not only have grates but these holes that I think are there to assist with the draining of the massive rain water we get during typhoon season. There in a split second, my keys dropped into one of these 'useful' holes. Arrrrghhh. What was going to do? So, I run back, grab my building guard, who I hope would help me figure out to do. He looked at me like I had just asked him to figure out world peace. So, thinking smart, I take Chocky's leash off thinking, that the hook on the lease could help me retrieve my keys and get to class. Nope, Chocky took that as an opportunity to run free. So, as I am calling him to come, he's looking at me, and running father and father away. Now, I've lost my dog and my keys. All before 12pm.
So, first thing first. I get a hanger, to fish out the keys. As I am on the ground, I am beginning to attract the interest of some very bored Taiwanese. I am fishing out a set of keys, that I could see and couldn't see, I finally get them.
As I walk around looking for Chocky, I begin to think that maybe it's okay that I no longer have a dog. But isn't it ironic that he would run away, the day after I bought a $23 bag of dog food?
So, I also, begin to worry because I think that I could go to class, then come back to look for him. But the city is so big, that where would I find him? Also, maybe it's not okay that I don't have a dog, anymore. Because Chocky was beginning to help me break out of my shell, and was my people connector. So, as I have all these thoughts running thru my head, I am walking up to my apartment,and up pops Chocky's head in the doorway. Wagging his tail, like 'what took you so long?" The dammed dog had ran back to the house and up 12 flights of stairs. So, I get to class, and tell my teacher all of this, who tells me that I should buy a lottery ticket. I come home, sleep and when I get up to walk Chocky again, I nearly lose my keys again in the big drain grate this time. Someone should cover those things..........................

I just want someone I can talk to /I just want you just the way you are…

So this week, surprisingly has been one of low lows and highs that have balanced out. While I had horrendous days of not being able to get out of bed to do the simplest of tasks, I have also had days where I was invited out to nightclubs and dinner, like I was the social butterfly of Taipei.
Tonight, I went out with a handsome, 20 something Taiwanese man, named ‘Adam’ and my friend. I had met this guy in a drunken state at Room 18, a hot Taipei club. I had grabbed him to introduce him to my friend, because in the state of low self esteem and being the hopeless romantic I am, I was trying to hook her up. Well, surprising, even thou I don’t even remember, the guy and his friend spoke quite good English and there was a hook up. Anyway, ‘Adam’ invited us out to Bed, another premiere spot in Taipei, where the seen go to be seen. It’s all nice when you haven’t been out for years. But what it eventually turned out for me was like being on a blind date, as the third wheel. While my friend and I were attracted to the guy simultaneously, knowing my luck with men, especially the attractive ones, I was going to even be in the running. So, I laided back and was more myself that I usually was. Basically, Blunt.
What is it about being in your 20’s? I look back upon those years with absolute horror. I lost my mother, and several other relatives, I had some romantic relationships, but none that lasted past 6 months, and lots of struggles with and in myself, family, and with life. The days before my 30th birthday, I remember thinking about the song “Survivor”-by Destiny’s Child, because that’s what I had felt. I had survived the worst of it all. Mostly the arrogance of your 20’s. Oh, while my life isn’t the one I neither hoped nor imagined it to be-i.e. Samantha, or Carrie via Sex and the City, I love the fact that I am in my 30’s.
Your thirties are wonderful. Maya Angelo says her 70ths are good, but the 30’s are wonderful. Here you are, if you have learned your lessons, in the beginning possession of yourself. You may not be where you want to be or what you fully envisioned for yourself, but one thing for sure, ALL the bullshit goes out the window. You don’t feel the need, nor want to play the silly little games you thought were ‘correct’ in your twenties. You know what you want, and go for it. Cause you either figure out that life is short or you are on a damm mission for your purpose in life. Life’s brushstrokes take on deeper hues in your 30’s. The reason for this relection? At Bed we talked about relationships, primarily Adam’s. His last relationship ended when she cheated on him. When I had originally broached the subject with him, because he kept giving me, the “I don’t have time” thing. I figured out by hearing this repetitive excuse as “ I was just hurt”. And told him. BINGO, I was right. Yet, relationship is such a priority for him. He is seeking to be with someone, but without all the details. Here,in Taiwan, the details are- for the woman, calling her man ever minute of the day to make sure she knows where he is. The guy-being able to financially support them, via giving them face by making sure they can buy the things that are fashionable. We discussed all the aspects of Taiwanese relationships, the cheating, the money that’s involved, the wants and needs of each party. While Adam, is looking for someone, someone who doesn’t call ever hour, he also needs her to look “good”. I.E. Arm candy. I suggested that he try spending time with women who weren’t his type and go against the grain. In typical youth arrogance, it was received with repulsion.
But while listening to his thoughts and my friend’s thoughts, I was revisiting my 20’s all over again. The black and white of it all. The ‘should’s’ and ‘should’ not’s Looking back, I can see how in my 20’s, I was trying to make sense of the world, the one in my head and the real one, using my upbringing against my idealistic thoughts. Then I moved overseas, twice and began to see in the course of my transition into my 30’s that life isn’t black and white.(actually that was originally slap in the face by a heartbreak, but was really grounded until now). It hasn’t been until recently I have seen the broader picture- that there are so many different ways to live one’s life. And you twenties are spent doing that, figuring out how you fit in the scheme of things. Especially in Asia, where individualism is not as prominate as it is in the US. While Taiwan is rather liberal, and as about as close to the Western ideas as you can get in Asian, you still will run up against tradition.
I knew at some point I had to let it go. Youth always beats wisdom.

I'm not a prostitute but I can give you want you want...

Oh funny how life is. Since I have reached out and made a new friend online, thru forumosa.com I have had a blast. It's fun to meet someone the same age who has the same interests and the same fundamentally beliefs. Yet, willing to not judge and take risks(safe ones ;) at that) and enjoy life to the fullest.
The last two weekends, I have been out and about in the clubs of Taipei. I never really cared for nightclubs, solely for the fact that I judged the whole thing thru the eyes of someone else. But this time, I went and let my hair down. I danced, drank(oh boy) and grabbed a few arses. It was all in good fun until the inevitable. The hit on for the 'one night stand'. Now in my previous posts, I have complained of my lack of 'attention'. But here I go out, and bam!! It's raining sex. And I turned it down. There's something so unattractive about drunk sex. You know it's going to be over in 2 mins and also there's the, well the over in 2 mins part.
Tonight I went back out tonight, after a horrendous week, part for one day of adventure of sorts and as I am leaving Luxy, a handsome Japanese man starts to talk to us. My friend jokingly, tells asks him if he wants to go home with me for the night. He agrees. I turned it down. Not because of the fear of AIDS or other STDS, but how unattractive it is to know that here is a man, seeking a normal outlet for a normal expression but knowing that he has someone special waiting for him and trusting that he will recipocate that trust. In the bible it says that a husband and his wife are to desire one another, and it's their duty to fulfill that desire. But what happens when that desire is gone?
It's a common thing in Asia for men to cheat. It's almost seems like the concept of cheating is a rite of passage here. I have come across so many ads on internet dating sites from men who are "seeking discreet relationships" because they are already married. And I have even had a married man seek to have an affair with me because the lack of sex in his marriage. And in the age of AIDS, it doesn't seem like it's going to curtail.
While men and women cheat all over the world, I can't still get over why it boggles my mind here in Asia. It's a concept that I view with a new pair of puritan eyes.
I have had many discussions about this with my language exchange partner who is about as silent on the subject as authentic Catholic nun. This form of sexual expression leaves me wondering, what is sacrilege in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I wonder, do Asian men have higher sexual drives than others or is this their form of masculine expression? And why aren't their wives doing more about it?

When I visited my friend in May, we had a huge arguments about cheating. I told her that if I should marry I expected it to happen. Oh, did she hit the fan. What she didn't know, nor allow me to share, in her moment of ire, was that should I marry an Asian man, it's a part of the deal that chances of him cheating on me are higher. She felt insulted that I would think so little of myself and would find myself with a partner who would violate the marriage vows. But as I have gotten older and perhaps a little wiser, I have learned that you can't make someone accountable for their actions. You will never know what life will throw you. I could wish and hope and believe that I will marry a good man, but we can never know the future nor can we control someone's desires.

All of this sexual expression runs against the frain of my Catholic upbringing, which I found has ladled me with more guilt than closeness to God. It occurs to me that sex is used in the West as another form of 'bondage'(no pun intended) to control and possess others. If that is the case, then we have one hell of a revolution on our hands......

Strokin for love....

Okay, it's funny in this day in age, that while people on the street are ready to go to war the internet dating ads are full of people looking for love. At my age, it seems that it does get a little harder to come across it. Maybe I'm cynical or just rusty when it comes to matters of the heart.
Looking over the interent ads in Taiwan, its quite funny what people will place on there to find that 'someone'. Take a look at this ad=


Hi there, this is ^%%. I am pretty open-minded, pleasant, polite, decent and not-so-bad-looking. D&D free and clean. Have no bad habits but smoking.
Dissolutioned/divorced. Used to live in Toronto, Canada. Came to Taiwan to work since summer, 2001. I spend most of time either at work or at home. Tired of the club scenes. Preferred to sit back and relax myself when free. Looking For: Women for Discreet Relationship, 1-on-1 sex, Group sex (3 or more!), Bondage & Discipline, Misc. Fetishes, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism or Other "Alternative" Activities Ideal Person: Pleasant, open-minded, simple, clean, disease and drug free. Good looking, slim / average body figure, large breasts, long legs, shaven, well-maintained. Loves receiving oral. Will go wicked and wild in bed ( not shy ). Enjoys dirty talks. Willing to explore. Race is not an issue to me. And no mind-games please.

Now in the game of love, you think you would be specific in the matters of internal since, I have never heard of someone getting their heart broken over big breasts. But that is the case with these ads. While there is an authentic human on the other side looking for what we all do until the day we die, we still fall for the physical, first.
I wonder if I have an adversion to it because of my own 'shortcommings'. Living in the states, I found myself comparing myself to standards I never could achieve simply because of genetics. Now, that I live on the other side of the ocean, you think there would be a sense of reprieve from all that craziness. Nope, i find myself now critiqing myself to see if I have 'what is attractive ' in Asia. Oh the hopless insanity of it all.
Sex sells in America, but in Taiwan its the illiusion of the 'great romantic ' relationship. Ironicly here is that most relationships aren't built on love,but on what one can do for the other. But isn't that what it all comes down to? Eventually you get to that point in a relationship when it's important to know what that special someone can do for you. Not in bed, but in other areas that pertain to the moment at question. Maybe I should do an ad like the following=

Single, funny, creative black chic seeks well groomed male. Must be single, willing to do the dishes, put up with my pms, attitude when I am stressed, and support me when life hands me some darn lemon. I love to cook, but don't ever assume or let on that you want me to do the cooking all the time. If i have to stand my ground on an point, allow me to, and be willing to be quiet about being right until the right time. Forget about opening doors, let me know on a daily basis that I am your heart, and speak to me as if I am the adult I am. Yes, I will turn down sex when I don't 'feel' like it but you are willing to just talk it all out, even when it's 2 am cause you know and understand that's it's important to me. You can do your own thing but make sure that you know that it takes work on a daily basis to make a relationship work and be willing to do that even if my quirks drive you up the wall. Oh yea, im well dressed, nice body and have no debt.....

The lie you tell is the lie you tell yourself......

I find it sometimes to be very ironic to be living in Asia and to have depression. At least once a week I read about some young girl who has killed herself over a man, or something involving a man. The current ‘it’ girl of Taiwan, a young model, killed herself because she found out her boyfriend was two timing her. I discussed this with my teacher, who explained that many women here grow up with traditional thinking. That the man is supposed to be the center of your universe. It took me several days to be able to understand this concept and the point of view. My conclusion is that these women aren’t in the wrong for making a man the center of their universe, but not including themselves in that universe also.
Everyday is a struggle for me. I have dealt with depression for so many years you think it would be an old hat. I’d have tricks to make my life be able to cope with it. But I don’t. Every episode I have seems to step me back further in the progress I am trying to make for myself and see for my future. Interesting enough, one would probably say, “Why move to Asia?” I don’t think I should allow something like this to stop me from dreaming or going after my goals. But it sure as hell has been like one big emotional and spiritual charley horse in my life.
I had the normal blues, as everyone does when younger. Two weeks,PMS, bad grade on a test, arugement with parents or what ever I thought was 'the end of the world' , I handled it thru crying , watching my favorite tv show or movie and I got over it. Something new or something changed or came along; I got over it and moved on to something better. Since I was 20, I can remember being a long period of dark days. It seems to be a feeling I couldn’t shake. My bf at the time told me to read to the Book of Job. It seems to be a precursor to what would happen. In 9 months time, my mother’s cancer came back, and the family seemed to become even more polarized with this illness hanging over it. We all made the best of it. And when she passed we moved on in our lives. I finished undergrad. Eventually, struck out at several attempts to live on my own and make a career in film. Which in 97 seem to finally work. But during all that time, I would have crying fits, difficulty getting out of bed and relationships fall of the map. All classic symptoms of depression. Now the symptoms are all physical at times. Headaches, chest pains, sore muscles. Forget going to a doctor. I have done that so many times, and because they are on a 7 minute schedule and I don’t have health insurance (I guess cash is no good anymore), they write a prescription and move on. I sought all forms of help. New age, cognitive, group, medical, getting physicals. Read every type of book possible about spiritual healing and self growth. Some of it helps but to me it seemed to constantly go no where. Family seems to think that I am not settling down, running away from problems. Interesting I judged, that most people like that would be drug users or alcoholics, or in debt trying to bury their problems. In fact, the more depressed I became, the more I shunned drinking and drugs and getting in to any form of debt. My vice: sleeping more than I should and watching way too much TV. And smoking more cigarettes than I think my lungs care for. Occasionally when it got too bad, I would drink enough to put me to sleep and then get up the next day and move on.
I found in the past 6 months that I have been more prayerful although that is so frustrating. Like in Job, who is suffering, he prays also, wondering where God is and why he is suffering also. Countless times, I have thought of ways to kill myself, doing searches on the internet for painless methods. I can never bring myself to do it. It seems so, so-giving some people I know the upper hand. And the egotistical part in me would hate to give someone the benefit of the doubt. And that is a riot because I’m not even competitive.
It’s difficult to be positive when you are alone. No support, emotionally and spiritually. I guess the upside to all of this, is that it makes your more aware of other suffering in the world, and say that what one is going thru is not maybe so bad as others. Or maybe it makes you more compassionate and able to relate to others on a human level, dropping all judgements of others, because you are faced with your own humanity. I don’t think I can ever relate on a level with young girls who are willing to destroy one’s self over a man, but it sure does make one speculate and question the frame of reference we have for ourselves in the world.

An average day

Job 30:16-25... a passage that really defines how I feel currently....


Today was a day of firsts. Chocky did his first retrieval. So that was the highlight of the day. And he also is learning to be on the deck by himself. Otherwise, that is it for me....

Anarchy in the R.O.C

Generally when someone meets a new person from another country, the first thing they ask is ‘how do you say “hello” in your language?’ It’s a polite conversational starter as well as a comforting welcome for a stranger in a strange land. You think that hello, the easiest word in any language would be used more often, yet like “I love you” it’s often overlooked, underused and abused. Even in Hong Kong, a massive overpouplated place, the government has made PSA's to encouge people to break out of their shell to be kinder.
In my life abroad ,Japan and in Taiwan, I have noticed that there is this strange affliction that only affects people who tend to come from western countries. Some call it Anthroplitis or Astrologitis. For the former, the symptoms are observation of the ants, or other things that are pertaining to the ground. The latter is observation of the current weather conditions or the status of the sun/moon. These symptoms are only exhibited in situations involving the oncoming of another foreigner on the street. I first encountered this in Japan.
Coming from Chicago, a rather friendly city, where you could actually count on having a conversation on the street, in the check out line, the bathroom, and depending on the part of city you were in a constant flurry of “good morning”. This behavior was really strange to me. I didn’t expect a stranger to go out of his/her way to say ‘hi’ yet; I found it rather flippant that one would actually go to lengths to avoid saying hello. I,mean, what did these other forgieners think I would do? Run up to them and hug them as if they were the first I'd see that day? Or maybe better yet, I would start an inccessant conversation about the weather. Discussing this with other foreigners who had been in Japan longer than me, there were several reasons. Some was that the person could be having a bad day. Another some foreigners are trying to distance themselves from other foreigners,i.e.going native. Or maybe the person just got off of work and was tired of talking, thus, they were zoning out. Lastly, was maybe they didn’t speak English.
With time, I learned not to take it as personal as I had originally done before. And even developed some of the symptoms myself.( I was more inclined to windowshoppingitis). By and By most foreigners were rather polite if they were caught and generally you could get a hello or what’s up occasionally.
Fast forward to Taiwan. Here is where I have seen the worst of the disease. I have actually seen people change direction or act as if they were to avoiding the plague. Even in 7-11 stores I have seen foreigners get out of line. Talk about strange behavior. When I have caught them in the act, I generally just burst out into laughter because it is rather comical that a foreigner would go to great lengths to avoid an act of kindness. Now, generally I have observed this with white males. I can always count on a ‘hello’ from a person of color, with the rare exception concerning American black males (but never got much hello’s from them in the states in mixed company situations. So, I'm not surprised at all) One could surmise that these males(and a lot of females at times) feel very insure in theirselves therefore can not express not cope with an act of generosity or that the need to lose oneself in the illusion of the Taiwanese/Chinese culture is so strong, that it could be a mental epidemic.
Living abroad is such a transitory situation. You can make really good friends, yet majority , unless they have married a local and you as well, tend to return to their respective ‘homes’. So the amount of emotional connecting is curtailed by such matters. I generally spend 99% of my time alone. And have so since living abroad. Sometimes it’s by choice and sometimes it’s because I’m in transitory period of making new friends. And many a day I could use a ‘hello’ so that I am reminded that I am apart of the human race.
I do miss Chicago’s friendliness, no matter how inauthentic it can be at times, it’s just common curiosity. This tends to leave everyone in a better place than before. God only knows, the current state of the world desperately needs to be in a better place. So, I have decided to take it upon myself to say hello to every foreigner I come across. I’m not doing this to be heroic or for a pat on the back. It’s just in my nature to be a little anarchist. So, I hope that a revolution starts and maybe give someone a better day.

I have learned that I am communicating to my dog in the wrong language.... 

The "NO-CARB Diet for 2004"
NO C-heney
NO A-shcroft
NO R-umsfeld
NO B-ush and



Absolutely NO RICE!


***This piece of humor was snagged from a great website called www.forumosa.com. Check it out...

My baby-Chocky ? 

Wait until you become a parent, then you'll see....(pt2)..

I became a mother about 2 weeks ago. I adopted a chocolate Labrador. He’s 3 months old, and running my blood pressure and temper out of this world. Before I adopted him, I will admit that I did do research about raising a puppy, but I also must admit that it was more of glancing, rather than informing myself. One thing that has stuck me thru this, is the advice of ignoring his bad behavior and acknowledging his good behavior. Ignoring his bad behavior is suppose to cause him to lose interest in continuing it…The last few days I have to wonder.
As a kid, I noticed that anything I did that was ‘out of line’ my parents always noticed. Same with my peers, which set me up for relentless, although funny when I did something weird, teasing. This acknowledgement left me with an insecure sense of relating to the world about what is okay about me. Granted I am not confused about what was actually ‘bad behavior’, like staying out pass curfew,etc. but characteristic that rubbed my parents wrong and that caught their ire created moments of confusion.
As I embark on this journey of raising another life, even thought it is a dog, I wonder how much of the natural characteristics of my loved one, will I be temped to suppress because I see them as ‘bad’. What is authentically ‘bad’ vs. my point of view ‘bad’? Should he possess some characteristic and act upon it that doesn’t suit my personality will I be constantly at battle with trying to reform him to meet and suit my needs? And how do you identify what is naturally his and learned behavior?
I assume that this probably crosses a lot of parents’ minds when they are raising their children. Not only does having children have you go back on a journey of your own childhood and reflect or flinch on it, it can make you see how far you have come as a person. It touches upon parts of your soul that make you say, ‘did I become the person I had promised/hope/wished to be? Or makes you see that you have traits that your parents possessed that you either love or hate. I see what it takes is a certain amount of courage to continue on this journey, being responsible for another life. Courage to face yourself when you must be a leader in times when we question what we may possess ourselves. Courage to face each day with hope from some unseen source that we have no idea where it came from, cause the night before you may have been ready to call DCFS.
Ignoring Chocky’s bad behavior has produced little results and I have lost my temper twice, lashing out at him. He has always forgiven me with a wag of the tail and excitement in him when I come home. Yet, I haven’t given up because I have given my word to someone that I would be in his life for his entire life. While I have much support around me in raising him, I realize eventually that it’s not his ‘bad’ behavior I will have to ignore, but my facing my fears that I don’t have what it takes to be a great parent.

Wait until you become a parent!!!!

Above is my child-chocky. He's a precious 3 month old. How I ever thought I would be a good dog owner is beyond my reasoning. I have been wanting a dog since 2003, since dogs are such good companions. I figured that having one would eradicate my loneliness and feel the void I have had since losing my mom. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dogs, especially puppies, take a shit load of work. I believe this is the closest I have come to understanding what it's like to be a parent. You have to have patience, persitance, and dedication or commitment. Maybe that's too deep but it seems like the logical thing.
So, of course like all parents, my child is smart. He covers his eyes with one paw when he doesn't want to go out. He knows how to get into things he's not suppose to. And he's already bi-lingual. Yep, my kid can 'speak' Chinese. Now, this all came about since he was with a person that speaks Chinese more than English at times. So, many of the commands that he is used to I have to use Chinese. Which means I have to use my Chinese. Egad!!!!
What's interesting about having a puppy, is the best way to train them is to ignore their bad, and only praise their good actions. On the website I read this on, compared this to rearing a child. What a concept. Ignore the bad and praise the good. I wonder if this concept was actually used often would the world be a better place.
When I was in grammar school school I took German. I hated it and wanted to take French. But somehow, I think my mom thought the cold war would still be in place by the time I was grown and I would be working in the State Department or something. Well, German lasted on me for about 1 year and during that time, I had a tutor noticed my errors more than anything. Eventually I stopped because I wasn't 'producing' any results. And believed from there on that I was incapable of learning any language. Thru my current attempt at learning Chinese I have noticed that my throat contracts when having to speak up. I am persistence at this stage of the game in learning because I feel I have so much on the line. Yet, while the tutor isn't there, her presence is still with me, and I am more focused on my errors, than my achievements.
If people in the world actually ignored the bad, would this eliminate terrorism, racism, and all the ism's we currently have? If we stop giving in to the critic within would that critic eventually disappear because it has nothing to feed it? Until we try another alternative, divering from the current form of 'training' we use to relate to others, we will never know.....................
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On the Taiwan living front, I had to go to the doctor's today. For about 7 to 8 years I have been dealing with poor digestion. Each past visit to the doctor's has made me more and more weary of their abilities to be able to effectively deal with a patient. Today, was probably the worst. Having to be in a situation where your health is at stake and in another country is stressful and frustrating. So, to resolve the problem, I self medicated myself. I think that from this I just realize more and more how important one's health is and how proactive one has to be in the decision making process of one's health. It also made me wonder how long do I want to be in Taiwan. How long do I want to continue facing the unfamiliar and has all that worn off and it's time for me to go......................